For longtime readers of my semi-violent rants*, you know there is no one on this planet that I despise more than Brett Favre. Like some sort of evil, cock-teasing Santa Claus he has promised me retirement each of the last three seasons and each time, like the prick that he is, he has gone back on that promise and returned to the NFL to terrorize me (and those like me) for another season (and yes, I said terrorize asshole). Now it seems like he is finally gone. Finished. He’s taking his sissy sprained head back to Mississippi where he can wear Wranglers, practice with high school teams (if he has any eligibility I’m sure he’ll try and play too), and not worry about sending dick texts to anyone because I’m certain his friends and family there are too goddamn stupid operate a phone that accepts texts.
As you can imagine I am thrilled about this development. What I am more thrilled about, however, is how the end came to Ass-Face. This article is not about what an overrated, false idol, piece of interception throwing shit Brett Favre is. No, this is about the glorious and perfect ending to the three-plus year Brett Favre retirement saga. Each of the last three seasons I have thought, “wow – what a great way for Favre to go out…like the fucking idiot, asshole loser he is.” First there was the 2007 season. Favre had experienced a bit of a resurgence leading the Packers to a 13-3 season and an appearance, at home, in the NFC Championship Game against the lowly, fifth-seeded New York Giants. Favre had managed to keep his interceptions somewhat in check that year (I mean, he only threw 15 which was a three way tie for 9th worst in the league – great job Funslinger!). Then, in overtime, he threw an interception to set up the Giants for the victory and a date with destiny and the 18 and chokes-on-dick Patriots in the Super Bowl. This loss meant that the Packers, under the guidance of Favre, had lost three of their last five home playoff games in a stadium in which the Packers were, at one time, 11-0 in playoff games (NOTE: funny how no one mentions that Favre almost single-handedly ruined the Packers home playoff invincibility – I guess ruining the mystique of a franchise is ok as long as you are having fun!). What a glorious and fitting end it would have been. Favre, in front of his adoring fans, throwing a soft, floating turd into the hands of a guy, Corey Webster, who, let’s face it, is not Dieon Sanders. In spite of the fact he had put together a nice season (NOTE: Advanced NFL Stats put together this very nice article showing that Favre’s 2007 season was actually not so
great), he couldn’t hide his true idiot decision-making, pick-throwing colors when it was nut cutting time. It was like that time your mom went to rehab and didn’t blow any homeless guys to get drugs for like five months and then, on her birthday, when you were going to surprise her with a really nice gift, you walked into the house and the mail man and your pedophile neighbor were forming an Eiffel Tower with her and your dad was taking the pictures to post them on his blog. You know, a leopard can’t change its spots, etc. Anyhoo, I was very much satisfied after this disaster and was looking forward to Favre taking his downs face back to Mississippi and calling it a career.
Yet it was not to be. Favre decided pull a Leno (before it was known as that) and fuck Aaron Rodgers out of the job he had patiently waited for. Favre’s public whining was about as dignified as your need to negotiate with one-legged prostitutes. It was somehow amazing to him that when he retired, and the team planned to move on with the first round pick quarterback they had been grooming, that his former team didn’t want him anymore. It’s the same way a child is amazed when you “steal their nose” – what a fucking idiot. It was nice to see the Packers sack up to Favre and tell him to stay gone. It worked out well for the Packers as Rodgers’ stats in 2008 were much better than Favre’s. 2008 was an unholy abortion for Favre. He led the league in picks for the third time in his career, throwing 22. He also authored a Chernobyl-esque meltdown in the final five games. The 8-3 Jets went 1 and 5 down the stretch backed by Favre’s radar accuracy and NINE picks (hey, at least he threw 2 touchdown passes in that span – clutch!). It was also revealed that poor widdle Bretty was told by his mom that he was special (she, ironically, didn’t mean retarded when she said that) too many times, so he was pissed that he actually had to work with his coach and go to meetings. This led him to not like his mean old coach, Eric Mangini. Also, for once, Favre’s teammates finally came out to confirm what a piece of shit he is.
In spite of all of this, media jagoffs like Gene “I love the taste of Brett Favre’s semen” Wojciechowski still found time to diefy him even as he played like shit. THIS article is a perfect example of why I hate Favre and the media’s coverage of him. The article glosses over his inferior stats, attributes the five additional wins the Jets had in 2008 to Favre (even with the acquistion of two all-pro offensive lineman in the previous offseason to make the running game better) and doesn’t really mention that the Jets 1-4 record down the stretch could have possibly been attributed to the 9 picks he threw in those games (7 in the final 3 games!!!). Normally when a team doesn’t win, the quarterback is blamed and it means he “just can’t get it done.” The Jets collapse – no way was it Favre’s fault. Like most of what Favre says and does, it just doesn’t make sense (maybe because they have followed him for so long the media that writes about him has been infected with his retardation). Also, why when a teammate says that Favre is a stand-offish asshole is that guy a “cowardly teammate” but this writer spends all of his time trying to get teammates on all teams to give inside information on locker rooms? Gene Wojciechowski, you are a worthless reporter, a fucking idiot, and worst of all the Favre apologist. No one gives a fuck that you will miss how he acted like a goddamn retarted clown on the field while he threw picks. No cares that your fucking boy crush is going back down to the farm and it makes you sad. It looks like you’ll have to find a new dick to suck. It would have been nice if, for once, you had maybe done your job and reported what a shitty quarterback he was.
So 2008 ended with Favre alienating his fan base, playing one of the worst stretches of his career, being called out for being a prick by teammates, getting a coach fired (a budding theme) and, of course, retiring. But again, Fuckhead couldn’t just take it to the house and leave us alone. He decided to fully stick a knife in the heart of Green Bay fans by signing with the Vikings. I can’t imagine how I would react to this if I were a Green Bay fan (NOTE: if I were a Green Bay fan during the Favre years I would have done the world a favor and killed myself many years ago). I’ll tell you that if Emmet, Troy or Michael had signed with the 49ers, Redskins or Packers I might have had my friend Ted Kaczynski mail something to them. It appears that as of this writing, actual Green Bay fans took the news better than I would have.
I’ll give the old, stupid fuck this – he had a pretty good 2009. For the first time in his career as a full time starter he threw single digit picks (he threw an un-Funsligner like 7; his previous low was 13) and he came close to his MVP years with 33 TDs thrown. The Vikings went 12-4 and got themselves in position to play the historically pathetic Saints in the NFC Championship game. Then, true to Favre jackass form, when the game was on the line, he couldn’t fucking help himself. He could have run to set up a game winning field goal.
But no, he made a Rain Man level decision by throwing late and across his body to get picked off to send the game into overtime. I have a nephew who is 16. He has been playing football since he was 5. I have watched several of his games. I have never seen one of his quarterbacks make as bad a decision as that. At the time of the game Favretard was 40 years old. I could ask 100,000 men aged 8 to 40 and every one of them would tell you, wether or not they have ever played football, that you never, ever, ever, throw late and over the middle (much less across your body). Needless to say the Saints went on to win on overtime, win the Super Bowl and become America’s sweethearts. After seeing that pick I thought, “wow, what an amazing way for him to end his career. To put up, maybe, the best numbers of his career and then to fuck it up in such spectacular fashion while at the same time looking like a giant pussy unwilling to run and get hit for a chance to go to the Super Bowl. His last play as a pro will truly expose him as a gutless, idiot fuck. How awesome.”
I thought it was the end. I thought it was over. Shithead even told the Vikings as late as August 4th of this season that he was retired. Then, after Favre was made to feel special enough with the Vikings sending three of his best friends down to Mississippi to beg him to come back, he decided to fucking deign the rest of the Vikings with his awesome, pick throwing, cousin ass-raping presence. As you know, that was the highlight of his Hindenburg-like season. Let’s start with his on-field performance. He made 2008 Favre look like Joe fucking Montana. He threw 11 touchdowns and 19 picks (!) in 13 games. That is violently pathetic. Advanced NFL stats published an article detailing how Favre, by a large margin, performed worse than an QB in the league (that includes soon to be insurance salesmen like Trent Edwards and Max Hall – yikes). He not only looked like a 41 year old quarterback, he looked like a 41 year old with a hair piece trying to pick up Olivia Wilde. On top of that, his precious fucking consecutive game streak ended at 297 games. Forget that the Vikings were 5 and 7 coming into the game where the streak ended and they should have been preparing for the next season. Ball Suck, like he had his entire career, had to make things about him. He would constantly say selfish shit like “if I can play I’m going to because I can help the team win by throwing interceptions and not listening to the coach.” Here’s a free tip Brett that may be coming a bit late – you are in no way bigger than the team and
you dragging your limp arm and concussed head onto the field for a team with nothing to play for was not helping your team – it was helping you feel like you actually have something left. I know that you aren’t familiar with this concept, but if man invents a time machine and you get to do this all over again, have an ounce of fucking dignity and do what is right by the league, the fans, your teammates and yourself and go the fuck to Mississippi and leave us the fuck alone.
The media didn’t help. The Giants/Vikings game (I’m sorry, I meant the “HOLY SHIT BRETT FAVRE’S NOT PLAYING A REGULAR SEASON FOOTBALL GAME…FUCK…FUNSLINGER DOWN!..HOW WILL LIFE GO ON” game) that week had playoff implications for both teams and the Giants whipped their ass. But how do you think ESPN covered the game afterwards. Let me give you an idea:
What a bunch of assholes. We all knew the streak was over, but you know what EPSN, we knew that at kickoff. I don’t give a shit about how Favre felt after the game. I want analysis of how this important game affected the playoff race. That was apparently too much to ask. The Earth apparently would not continue to rotate unless we all found out what Brett Favre thought about him not playing in a game that was meaningless for his team. How exhausting.
Although his on-field performance was shitty enough, Favre’s off the field 2010 was worse than his on-field year. First there was the season long issue of Favre dick sexting a former Jets employee. Then he was sued by another former Jets employee for sexual harassment. Brett’s wife Deanna decided that the best way to deal with this issue was not with divorce papers, but t0 “pray” on it. Good idea. Here’s my prayer: Dear Baby Jesus, Lord of all good stuff and things (including pork – suck it Sports OBL), please, please, please, please, please make that hick asshole Brett Favre go away so I don’t have to see him throw interceptions, talk about himself, ruin the NFL or show pictures of his dick ever again. Thank you.” Maybe all of the #4 semen rotted Madame Favre’s brain. Lady – please take his retarded ass for half! Do you really love him? Have you seen his face? Have you heard him talk? I can’t imagine he provides much in the way of companionship except the way a dog does. You have your chance. Finish him!
The only good thing that came out of the Favredickphonegate was at least the NFL did the right thing and…wait…am I reading this correctly. That prick was only fined $50,000 for the sexual harassment claims! To put this in perspective, James Harrison was fined $50,000 for what was deemed an illegal hit this year. In thinking about it further, Harrison’s salary in 2010 (with bonuses) was about $3.6 million. Slappy’s was about $16 million. So if I am reading this correctly, and I like to think that I am, the NFL fined Favre .3% of his annual salary for sexual harassment and Harrison 1.4% of his salary for a rough hit. This tells me that the NFL thinks that a violent hit IS FIVE TIMES WORSE THAN SEXUAL HARASSMENT! Good message NFL. Why don’t you go ahead and let a rapist quarterback in the Super Bowl while you’re at it.
Brett went on to have his coach fired (because the plays Brett drew up in the dirt were working so well – at least they were fun!) as the Vikings careened to a 6-10 finish. I mean, how embarrassing must it be to have a team everyone is picking to go to the Super Bowl finish 6 and 10 (cocks gun; places it in mouth). If all this wasn’t enough, at least two other funny things happened to Turd Face this year – (1) he somehow allowed himself to be filmed dancing to “Ice, Ice Baby” (look how much fun he’s having – it’s enough to make me forget about what a stupid ass…(grenade goes off in my mouth)) and (2) his sister was busted in a meth raid (NOTE: hey, B-dawg, couldn’t you take some of that $16 million you stole from the Vikings and get your sister some real drugs and a nicer place to live. I guess I’ll add “cheap fuck” to your list of inferior character traits).
All of this made for a great “don’t let the door hit you on the ass” type of exit year for Dumb-ass, but the real fuck you cherry on the shit bag sundae Favre had to eat this year occurred Sunday night. In case you hadn’t noticed, while Favre strung together two of his worst years as a pro since he turned his back on the town that made him demi-tard-God, Aaron Rodgers has blossomed into a bona fide badass. He cemented his badassitude by winning the Super Bowl (did you hear about that?). I could not stop giggling with delight thinking about that dumb shit at home, thumb in his ass (he cuts a hole in the Wranglers), watching Rodgers bring a Super Bowl title to Green Bay. Oh how much that must have made his dumb face into sad face!
That, my friends, is a perfect exit for Favre. Old, defeated, perverted, scandal-ridden, with no fan base to call his own (do you really think Vikings fans will look back on these two years fondly?) and with the guy he tried to fuck over more than anyone holding the Lombardi trophy. It can’t really get any better, but I’d love for him to come back and prove me wrong.
Oh, one other thing – now that he is retired and the stadium has been blown up, it can officially be said that Favre never won a game at Texas Stadium. I hope you take that to your fucking grave Brett. Good riddance.
*NOTE: I am a bit Favre-like (read: retarded) when it comes to “the Internets” and luckily the nice people at WordPress make software easy enough where I can just bang on keys and post my anger for all to read. That being said, if I get smart enough, I plan on posting prior rants on the site in the near future.