Draft Party Blog

The Worst Things Since the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire (or teams whose final drafts before the Mayan Apocalypse I didn’t like)

Posted: 20th May 2012 by The Draft Party Host in NFL Draft
Tags: Adrian Peterson, Andre Branch, Bobby Wagner, Brandon Weeden, Bruce Irvin, Bryan Anger, Carson Palmer, Chandler Jones, Cleveland Browns, Colt McCoy, Jacksonville Jaguars, John Hughes, Jonathan Martin, Joseph Barksdale, Justin Blackmon, Matt Cassell, Matt Flynn, Melvin Ingram, Mike Holmgren, Mitchell Schwartz, Quinton Couples, Russell Wilson, Ryan Tannehill, Seattle Seahawks, Shea McClellin, Taiwan Jones, Tavaris Jackson, Terelle Pryor, Trent Richardson

Is that the Browns 2012 draft lying there?

Last week I told you about the drafts that I liked and now it is time to tell you about the drafts that I thought were giant piles of turd. No, smarty, it didn’t take me an entire week to figure out all of the drafts I didn’t like. That was easy. I was busy last week preparing for a trip to New Orleans that soaked up most of my time. On a completely unrelated note, if you ever wondered what I look like, apparently I look like a guy who should be approached by prostitutes on Bourbon Street. Maybe I’ll tell you more about that later. Let’s stay on topic. Drafts I hated: (FN 1)

1. Seattle Seahawks – (Key Picks – Bruce Irvin, DE, West Virginia; Bobby Wagner, LB, Utah State; Russell Wilson, QB, Wisconsin): Last year in my post-draft round-up I gave the Seahawks the benefit of the doubt because I thought they would be using one of their puzzling picks (probably James Carpenter) to trade for Kevin Kolb. They didn’t and now that draft looks a lot crappier because they reached for just about every guy (including Carpenter, who most people had listed as a second round pick) and didn’t use any of those picks for last year’s Matt Flynn. So this year’s #1 spot on my shit list goes to the Seahawks as a continuation from last year’s terrible draft.

The Seahawks needed a defensive end, and Bruce Irvin is a physical marvel, but he is also a basket case. Quinton Couples, Melvin Ingram, Shea McClellin and Chandler Jones were all sitting on the board, without arrests the day after their pro days, waiting to be dropped into the Great Northwest to just worry about rushing the quarterback. I’m guessing that ultimate cheerleader Pete Carroll thinks he can take any troubled kid and make him productive on the football field. The problem is that when he was at USC he had 20 scholarships a year. He could afford to give 5 or 6 to troubled kids because only one or two of them had to be worth a damn to help him out. Good luck Pete. This is the type of pick that will have you working as a guest studio host on College Game Day in a couple of years.

Maybe Bobby Wagner will turn out to be ok. Who cares? What I do care about is wasting a third round pick on a 5’11″ quarterback with durability issues and an average arm just a month after signing Matt Flynn to a sizable free agent contract. This team made Tavaris Jackson into a not completely laughable quarterback. You don’t need to turn water into wine every year Pete. Wilson has lots of intangibles and is the rare African American lunchpail/gym rat/”leaves it all out on the field” guy. (FN 2) Wilson is also the type of guy that is everyone’s favorite backup quarterback because he has no discernible talent but supposedly has a lot of “leadership” traits. Vomitfart. It’s one thing to waste a third round pick, it is a completely different thing to use that third round pick to start what will probably be a multi-year quarterback controversy. Peyton Manning was right to avoid this disaster.

Pete Carroll illustrating how far he needs to go before he is considered a competent coach.

2. Cleveland Browns (Key Picks – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama; Brandon Weeden, QB, Oklahoma State; Mitchell Schwartz, OT, Cal; John Hughes, DT, Cincinnati): On the one hand, the Browns need impact players on the offensive side of the ball, and outside of Luck and RGIII, Richardson is probably the best thing in this draft. On the other hand, Jesus Christ what the fuck are these guys doing? You don’t trade up one spot from 4th overall to 3rd to draft a running back. Period. You know, I know, everyone on the fucking planet knows you can find a running back later than the third pick in the draft. Hell, even if the Browns thought that Richardson was going to be better than Adrian Peterson (FN 3), what do they plan on doing with him? Outside of their left tackle, they don’t have a very good offensive line. Their quarterback play last year probably made Chiefs fans happy to have Matt Cassell. Their wide receivers will likely be working in the food service industry in the very near future. This poor bastard has to move to Cleveland and run into a brick wall for the next year, probably two or three. This is one of the few times I actually don’t envy a professional athlete.

The Browns followed this by drafting Brandon Weeden. Note to Cleveland fans – Brandon Weeden minus three years of age and plus two years of NFL experience is already on your roster. His name is Colt McCoy. They both played in a spread system and put up “versus the computer” passing stats because they had talent all over the field and could make easy throws to open guys. Weeden has a better arm, but Colt is more accurate. In short, the Browns had the 22nd pick in the draft and did not use it to significantly better their team. Nice.

I don’t need to evaluate Mitchell Schwartz (I hear his Schwartz is not as big as mine) and John Hughes (I thought he had died) to want to hate fuck this draft. This team had to get some playmakers, but it also has more needs than a bulimic former child actor who was molested by a family member. They had their chance to trade up for RGIII and they blew it. You don’t make up for that letdown by using extra picks to get a running back and then drafting an older replica of your current quarterback. Why not trade down? Teams were able to trade out of the 5th and 6th picks. Did no one really want the 4th pick? This just sucked. It really, really sucked.

Mike Holmgren discussing how he also wanted to draft LeBron, Craig Counsell and Art Modell.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars (Key Picks – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State; Andre Branch, DE, Clemson; Bryan Anger, P, Cal): Trading up for Blackmon wasn’t the worst, and Andre Branch was a fine pick. BUT, I don’t care if your first round pick is Lawrence Taylor and your second round pick is Joe Montana, if you draft a fucking punter in the first three rounds your draft is a failure. End of Story.

“Draft Party Host…”, you may be asking, “are there other drafts that you thought sucked?” Why yes my dear friend, there are. These drafts receive an honorable mention for suckitude:

St. Louis Rams – I know you really wanted Justin Blackmon, but unlike the fucking Browns, the Rams have some pieces that work and they didn’t need to trade down a thousand times to stockpile picks. They have lots of extra picks in upcoming years, so why not keep your high picks and take players that will make a bigger impact? I found their work to be a bit too cute and Jeff Fisher’s first attempt to make himself look like a Draft guru by trading around a lot when he should just appreciate the dumb fucking luck the Redskins allowed him to walk into. It is going to be fun watching him mismanage this.

Dallas Cowboys – I’ll probably discuss this in further detail later, but this was just another year that showed these guys don’t get it.

Miami Dolphins – Jonathan Martin was an excellent pick-up in the second round, but as I’m sure you know at this point, I think Ryan Tannehill sucks a ginormous dick and will put a whale sized hole in the hull of this franshise for years.

Oakland Raiders – In case you weren’t keeping score at home, if you account for their trades their first round pick was Carson Palmer, their second round picks were Joseph Barksdale (he did nothing last year) and Taiwan Jones (he ran for 73 yards last year), and they used their third round pick on Terelle Pryor. Their draft sucked.

I can't believe the mustache let this happen on his watch.

FN 1 – Again, like the drafts I hated, I only judged teams on their high round draft choices as I don’t blame them for “reaching” in the 6th round.

FN 2 – By the way, Matt Flynn already is that type of guy.

FN 3 – First, he won’t be better than Peterson. Second, Adrian Peterson is a Judas fuck.

The Best Drafts in the History of the NFL (or teams whose drafts I liked in 2012)

Posted: 7th May 2012 by The Draft Party Host in NFL Draft
Tags: Alameda Ta'amu, Baltimore Ravens, Buffalo Bills, Chicago Bears, Cincinnati Bengals, David DeCastro, Doug Martin, Fletcher Cox, Lavonte Davie, Mark Barron, Marvin McNutt, Mike Adams, Mychal Kendricks, New England Patriots, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Sean Spence, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Victor Cruz, Vinny Curry

I know this means a lot to everyone on this list

Sorry Draft Party Blog fans. This article has been several days coming, but after I woke up from my three day beer and Popeye’s coma I actually had to work. That was for sucks. But the time off has allowed me to properly gather my thoughts and figure out whose drafts I really liked in what will likely be the final NFL Draft ever. (FN 1)

It’s a good thing I took this week off to think about the draft, because while I was watching the first round I spent most of the time thinking, “What the fuck are those guys doing? I’m glad I’m not a fan of team [________] because I would probably [_____] in an old lady’s [________] or stick a [_______] in my [_______].” Then I would look around those gathered at the Draft Party and see the draft anguish they had been dealt and I felt much better.

A little time off has actually made me come around to see several teams do things I like. Again, much like my analysis of last year’s draft, I’m not going to bother telling you that Marvin McNutt’s tricky route running and competitiveness could make him the next Victor Cruz, so he’s a steal for the Eagles in the 6th round because (1) I have no idea if that is true, and (2) no one else does either. If any GM was certain that some dude was the next Victor Cruz he would have been taken in the first round. As such, I treat any “stars” coming out of rounds 4 through 7 as either blind, stinking luck or an incredible mix of talent unseen by all 32 teams combined with a unique opportunity (e.g., Victor Cruz).

"You know, a couple of years ago I totally had Victor Cruz as one of those late round, could maybe one day set the Giants' single season receiving yards record type of guy. Nailed it!"

With that backdrop in mind, let’s have a look at the drafts that I really liked in 2012:

1. Philadelphia Eagles (Key Picks – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State; Mychal Kendricks, LB, Cal; Vinny Curry, DE, Marshall): I received this text from devoted Draft Party Blog reader I’m an Asshole at 1:38 pm on Saturday, April 28th: “The Eagles are dominating this draft.” Well said sir. The Eagles top need was at linebacker where they got the speedy, intense tackling machine Mychal Kendricks. Then they did what a team without a ton of needs can do – draft to a position of strength to create a dominant unit.

The Eagles had 50 sacks in 2011, with 29 coming from their starting defensive ends. This is no longer the blitz crazy unit lead by Jim Johnson that relied on depth at the corner position and a series of balls out blitzes. This is a team, much like the Giants, that has started building a remarkable line that was made even better by getting the best inside presence in the draft (Fletcher Cox) and a guy who is quick and tough on the outside (Vinny Curry). Also note that a lot of people had Curry going early in the second round, but the Eagles were able to trade back, get an extra fourth round pick, and still get a potential difference maker.

If the Eagles can get even half their shit together on offense (where they have arguably the best set of skill position players in the game and a young-ish line that should improve) and this team will be very difficult to beat because they will put up points and then be able to effectively get to the quarterback with their four down lineman while dropping seven against teams that have to throw to catch up. I hate the fucking Eagles.

This guy is totally going to stuff the gaping hole in the middle of the Eagles defense.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (Key Picks – David DeCastro, G, Stanford; Mike Adams, T, Ohio State; Sean Spence, LB, Miami; Alameda Ta’amu, NT, Washington): For those of you who think the Steelers are all about pounding the ball and letting their defense kill the other quarterback, you have not been paying attention. This team throws the ball. In fact, they had a pass play percentage of 57.8% in 2011, 52.3% in 2010, 57.8% in 2009 and 54% in 2008. (FN 2) Combined with their porous offensive line this has led Ben Roethlisberger to be abused like some sort of, oh, I don’t know, small woman cornered in a bathroom against her will with a large professional athlete while a bunch of cops waited outside to keep her friends out. I’m just sayin’ that their offensive line, and helmet-less riding of motorcycles, has led to Roethlisberger being hit a lot more than a star quarterback should be.

So what did those fucking guys do? They stayed put and got, arguably, the most can’t miss guy in the draft to be their starting guard for the next decade. David DeCastro is going to make a nice addition to help anchor the middle of the line with Maurkice Pouncey. Then they got a guy with first round talent at the 56th pick in Mike Adams. I know that Adams comes with some baggage, but this is a team that has a “family” reputation, all the while getting the best out of rapists, a gun brandishing idiot, and a domestic abuse loving pot head. I think they’ll be able to work with a guy who has worlds of talent and just failed one piss test.

I know that the Steelers defense is aging rapidly and that side of the ball needed some help. Well, Sean Spence seems like the type of guy that will get plugged in on that defense and become a stud. He’s undersized and overlooked, but mean and instinctive. Then in the fourth round the Steelers may have found undervalued talent matching a unique opportunity by drafting Alameda Ta’amu. He may have trouble keeping his weight in check, but he has the chance to learn behind a Pro Bowler and if he is going to succeed anywhere, it will be in Shitsburgh. The Steelers defense may still need work, but they made their biggest weakness much stronger in this draft and they still have a capable defense. I hate the fucking Steelers.

"So Mike, do you think you could do something like this with a bathroom door behind you? Yes? You're going to be awesome at this job."

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Key Picks – Mark Barron, S, Alabama; Doug Martin, RB, Boise State; Lavonte David, LB, Nebraska): In my incredibly accurate mock draft, I thought that the Bucs would trade up to get Trent Richardson, an impact player, to make a legitimate run at winning the NFC South this year. That couldn’t have been far off, because someone had to have spooked the Browns into trading up one spot. But even with that miss, Tampa Bay got better and probably landed three impact players. They were able to trade down and get one of the other “can’t miss” guys in the draft in Mark Barron. They then traded up into the end of the first round to get the consensus second best running back in the draft (who they’ll be able to pair with LeGarrette Blount, thus getting utility out of both guys instead of burying Blount by taking Richardson). Then in the second round they may have finally filled the Derek Brooks sized hole in their defense with Lavonte David. The Buccaneers came into the draft without a lot of needs, missed out on a potential home run pick, and they still managed to upgrade themselves considerably. I have no strong feelings one way or the other about the Buccaneers, but I liked their draft.

I make it a habit to only list three teams in my “best of” list (FN 3), but there are some teams that I felt deserved some honorable mention:

New England Patriots – As I politely requested in my mock draft, Belicheck finally traded up! But I wasn’t that thrilled about the picks. I don’t believe that much in Chandler, but Hightower will be good for them.

Cincinnati Bengals – They needed a corner and an interior lineman and got both while pulling off the rare Cincinnati Draft-day trade back. Well done.

Buffalo Bills – They hung in their spot, took the actual best player available and ended up with Stephon Gilmore and Cordy Glenn, who may turn out to be two of the best fifteen players in this draft. Remember a few years ago when it looked like the Bills couldn’t draft a winning fantasy team if it had the first six picks in a 16 team league? Something good is coming together in Buffalo.

Baltimore Ravens – Ozzie traded back, got the extra picks he needed for the multiple holes on this roster and still got the dudes he wanted. That guy is a fucking ninja.

Chicago Bears – I didn’t really love what they actually did on draft day, but did anyone else get a 28 year old three time Pro Bowl wide receiver in the third round? No? Well, the Bears did, so everyone else selecting in the third round can suck it.

"Thanks for being so crazy we could get you for a third round pick! Let's celebrate by touching butts!"

FN 1 – Seriously, I think the Mayans were on to something. In 2012 we had my birthday on a Friday, St. Patrick’s Day on a Saturday and the first Saturday of May combined the Kentucky Derby (of course), Cinco de Mayo and the Supermoon. In addition, December 21st, the last day of life as we know it, is on a Friday. We all know that the best time to fire people is on a Friday, so what incredible luck is it that the entire world will be “fired” on a Friday. It’s all coming together too well.

FN 2 – By way of comparison, a team like the Packers, who everyone considers pass happy, has pass play percentages of 60.6%, 57.6%, 58.7% and 56.8% in the same years. Different, but not wildly different.

FN 3 – This is only the second year I’ve done this.

Reppin’ SOUTHEAST’s Redskins Mock Draft (with Special Guest Reppin’ SOUTHEAST)

Posted: 27th April 2012 by The Draft Party Host in NFL Draft
Tags: Reppin' SOUTHEAST, Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins

This is last year's brew from Reppin' SOUTHEAST. It tasted like awesome.

I have mistreated a loyal reader and contributor to this blog. While drinking my first beer at the Draft Party location last night I tried to get this post up, but it couldn’t happen. But alas, there is some valuable information in this post and, I think, some real insight into what is going on with the Redskins. Without further ado, Reppin’ SOUTHEAST’s Redskins focused mock draft:

I have a startling confession to make, and I’m ready for the world to know it. Unfortunately, my only public outlets are this blog, with its well known limited audience, and my twitter feed, where my only followers are spambots.

Here goes anyway: I didn’t pay any attention to the NFL draft until last year, and that was only because DPH invited me to the party. I grew up in Western Massachusetts (this is a large area because, as Tommy from Quinzee will tell you, anything past Framingham is Western Mass), and the only possible college team to root for was UMass. [fn1] My dad went to Temple, which has only had a semi-resurgence in football. [fn2] I went to GW which hasn’t had a college football team in at least 50 years. All of this is my whiny justification for why I don’t really follow college football, and thus, why the draft has historically been a bunch of unknown-to-me large men wearing ugly suits with a lot of buttons (although not as many as in the NBA draft, I must concede.)

This year, I sez to myself, “Self, you predictably didn’t watch enough college football this year to have intelligent conversations about any picks beyond the first two, but you’re going to do some research so you don’t embarrass yourself in front of your little friends.” [fn3]

But, of course, I didn’t. In fact, the only things I’ve read this year are the posts directly below mine on this here website. I had to skim a lot of the entries because my virgin eyes can’t take all the dick jokes. So that being said, here is my Redskins 2012 Mock Draft:

1st Round, 2nd Overall: RGIII, duh. I’m really excited about this pick for reasons deftly explained on this blog. I’m also excited about this pick because he seems like a good guy and isn’t fazed at all by seeing his likeness in a horrifying meat sculpture.

This is an exciting look for Redskins fans.

3rd Round, 69th Overall: Hehe, 69. I dunno, hopefully a tackle.

4th Round, 102nd Overall: Um, not sure. I have no idea who will be around at this point, and I’ll probably too drunk on Draft Party Brew 2: The Deuce [fn4] to pay attention. Maybe someone who plays defense?

4th Round, 109th Overall: How’d they get another pick so quickly? What’s happening? Since they just took a defensive player, maybe someone who plays offense. They already have a QB, so, hmm. Are all the good WRs gone? Do they even need another one? Damn my lack of research/knowledge!

Dan Snyder will then trade the rest of his picks for a Subway meat sculpture of himself.

Hope you learned something!

That looks a little like Dan Snyder, right?

[fn1] To their credit, they did win the I-AA championship recently, I think. But who cares, amiright?

[fn2] I watched them lose to UCLA in the inaugural Eagle Bank Bowl at RFK stadium. It was incredibly cold, and RFK sucks. But besides that, who can complain?

[fn3] I never realized before writing it down how condescending I am to myself.

[fn4] A delicious rye pale ale this year. I barely put any peepee in it!

Draft Party Blog Ill-Informed Mock Draft (2012/End of the World Edition)

Posted: 26th April 2012 by The Draft Party Host in NFL Draft
Tags: Andrew Luck, Chandler Jones, Coby Fleener, Cordy Glenn, Courtney Upshaw, Dan Snyder, David DeCastro, Dont'a Hightower, Dontari Poe, Dre Kirkpatrick, Fletcher Cox, Jerel Worthy, Jonathan Martin, Justin Blackmon, Kendall Wright, Kevin Zeitler, LeGarrette Blount, Luke Keuchly, Mark Barron, Matt Kalil, Melvin Ingram, Michael Brockers, Michael Floyd, Mike Shanahan, Morris Claiborne, Nick Perry, Peter Konz, Quinton Couples, Riley Reiff, Robert Griffin III, Rueben Randle, Ryan Tannehill, Scarlett Johansson, Shahid Khan, Shea McClellin, Stephen Hill, Stephon Gilmore, Trent Richardson, Whitney Mercilis

You'll need more than "Luck" to get back to the top Colts fans (crosses "Make Andrew Luck to the Colts Pun" off bucket list).

Since I recently took some precious space on this blog to shit on the mock drafts put together by the big boys, I thought I would return the favor and put together my own mock draft for them to shit on. Seriously, Kiper reads this blog every day. He loves dick jokes.

Anyhoot, like last year I have provided a full first round mock draft. Also like last year, I have tried my best to predict trades. We all know because of my crack journalism that most prognosticators don’t get that many first round selections correct so I believe it is my duty as a blogger to whip it out and make predictions I should have no business making because if I happen to be right on a third of this shit I might be hailed as a genius. With that in mind, please enjoy and let me know what you think:

1. Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford – I’m pretty sure I’ll be one for one on mock drafting after this pick. Everyone on the planet has known that Luck would be the top pick in the 2012 NFL Draft since February of 2011. (Pats self on back)

2. Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor – Again, I’m not really rolling the dice with this selection. If you’d like to find out why I think the Redskins’ trade to get RGIII is a good one, please click here. My only hope with this selection is that Mike Shanahan is so fucking crazy that he really wanted Ryan Tannehill all along and as soon as the pick is announced cameras cut to the Redskins’ war room where Dan Snyder rips off his jacket and shirt NWO-style to reveal a Tannehill jersey (FN 1). Tannehill on the Redskins would be a fantastic unification of my hatreds, simultaneously insuring that the Redskins would suck for several years and that Tannehill would be sent to chafe under that asshole in football purgatory. I suppose a boy can dream.

All I'm saying is think about it Shanahan. He sure looks like a winner that has never, ever, had sex with a sheep.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers trade their 5th overall selection and the 36th overall selection (2nd round) to the Minnesota Vikings for their 3rd overall selection: Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama – If my mock draft is to violently unravel, it will probably start here. Minnesota needs help in the secondary and at wide receiver, and Morris Claiborne and Justin Blackmon are just sitting there staring at Leslie Frazier with their doe eyes. How can he take it? The Vikings could also use a franchise left tackle like Matt Kalil. The beauty of this trade is that it allows Minnesota to pick up an extra early pick (because they need lots of help) and it still allows them to get one of these three guys for sure.

For the Buccaneers, this is a solid, calculated gamble. This team has made LeGarrette Blount look like a productive back, so imagine what they could do with a complete back that doesn’t have a penchant for violent outbursts. Although I do not believe in any way that Richardson will be as good as Adrian “Judas” Peterson, he is a player that could put the Bucs over the top in the division.

Do you think I’m huffing gas again with that last statement? Remember, the Bucs are only a year removed from a 10 win season and will need some offensive firepower in a division with the Saints, Falcons and Panthers. I know you’re thinking, “wow, what a tough division”, but allow me to ask the hard hitting question: is it? Who knows what will happen with the Saints this year with the circus surrounding them and their seeming refusal to quickly sign the one guy that could get that ship in order (Drew Brees). As for the Falcons, in your heart of hearts, do you really believe in those guys? They made the ballsy draft day trade a year ago and all it got for them was 10 wins and a first round trucking by the Giants. I’m not sure that unit has the stomach for the fight. The Panthers look like a future force to be reckoned with, but they are missing more parts than the Bucs and are probably another year away. If the Buccaneers want to step up and win this division, this is probably their best chance. Richardson gets them a lot closer to this goal than waiting at five and getting Matt Kalil or Luke Kuechly.

Another scenario is that some poor schmuck, like Miami, trades up and picks Ryan Tannehill. If you believe the Browns want to continue their downward spiral into NFL irrelevance by drafting Tannehill, you know you need to trade up to this spot to get him. But Miami would have to unload more than the Bucs and I think they’ll get comfortable that Tannehill will be available at eight. My friendly advice to any other teams interested in trading up to get Tannehill – avoid that trade like a rat with a hypodermic needle in its mouth.

4. Buffalo Bills trade their 10th overall selection, their 2013 first round pick and a bottle of cyanide pills (FN 2) to the Cleveland Browns for their 4th overall selection: Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State – This is another example of a team who had a great offseason continuing to stockpile weapons in order to make a playoff push. The Bills don’t really have any major issues on either side of the ball, so they are another team that can afford to trade up and get an impact player now. I’ve seen a lot of talk about the Bills needing a left tackle, but there isn’t a left tackle at ten that you can expect to play at that position in 2012. Matt Kalil will be gone and Riley Reiff is going to have to start on the right side. That does not make this team, one that wants to compete with the Patriots right now, any better this year. Also, I was shocked to find out the following: “Buffalo last year led the league in fewest sacks allowed with 23 and its average of 4.9 yards per carry the Bills’ best since 1975 when O.J. Simpson was in the lineup.” So the line is not as big of a concern as you would think. Also, there is no guarantee that Michael Floyd will be available at ten and even if he is, he’s not as good as Blackmon. Therefore, I think the Bills get Blackmon, the best receiver in the draft, to pair with Stevie Johnson and try to make their high-powered offense ridiculous, thus allowing their freshly minted bad-ass defensive line to be even better knowing that teams will have to throw a lot to keep up with the points the Bills’ offense is scoring.

For the Browns, the cyanide pills will help them get over the pain of losing Richardson. They also need help at basically every position except left tackle and the secondary so this trade nets them extra picks to fill their various needs after losing out on their true love Trent Richardson. The alternative is either (A) drafting Morris Claiborne and pairing him with Joe Haden to create a pair of lockdown corners that frees up the front seven to blitz at will, or (2) drafting Matt Kalil to form potentially the best pair of tackles in football with Joe Thomas. Both of those options have some appeal but the Browns are not in a position to draft like the Giants or Eagles sometimes do (i.e., drafting to a position that is already strong to make an elite unit because the rest of the team is at least “good”) because the rest of their team sucks. I have a feeling this team is trying to build up as much as it can in what will probably be another disastrous year so that the quarterback they select next year (Matt Barkley anyone?) will have some talent around him.

5. Minnesota Vikings (via trade with Tampa Bay Buccaneers): Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU – Well that worked out nicely, didn’t it Minnesota fans? Your team wanted Claiborne at three and a series of trades bailed you out so that you got your preferred pick while still stockpiling extra selections. This is not the type of karma I would expect for a team that literally sold its soul by signing Brett Favre a few years ago.

There has been a lot of speculation about that the Vikings will do with their pick at three, but someone in the organization should wake up and realize that a stud left tackle is more valuable, and less easy to find or cover up for, than a corner. You can cover bad corner play with an outstanding defensive line or playing a lot of zone. If your left tackle sucks you might as well trade your quarterback in for a life-sized Jay Cutler piñata. (FN 2).

I hope you like Cleveland buddy. It's just like USC, but with less talent and more blight.

6. St. Louis Rams: Matt Kalil, OT, USC – I’ve seen a lot of chatter about Fletcher Cox going to the Rams at this pick (FN 4), which makes sense because the interior of the Rams D-line is crap and they could put together an elite unit with a guy (who) like(s) Cox. But if the Rams want to know exactly what they have in Sam Bradford, they have to give Mr. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome someone to throw to and someone to protect him. Their defense is promising and has talent. Their receiving corps really misses Danny Amendola (a sentence that should never have been written in the history of mankind). The offensive line gave up 55 sacks last year and that can’t help Bradford’s already fragile shoulder and mental inability to grasp abstract concepts. With Blackmon gone, the Rams should use the pick on Kalil, who they probably would have drafted at two if they hadn’t traded with the Redskins, and then get a poor man’s Justin Blackmon for Mr. Crazy Eyes early in the second round. I’d say that if the draft plays out like this for the Rams they should be considered the luckiest bastards on Earth. I can’t wait to see how Jeff Fisher will turn all of this good fortune into a string of 8-8′s.

Also, if there is not a trade for Tannehill at three, then this is the next logical place for someone to trade up to get him. This would happen because either (1) the Dolphins think Jacksonville will take Tannehill and perform an operation to physically combine him with Blaine Gabbert to make one subpar professional quarterback, or (2) the Dolphins think the Bills, Chiefs or Seahawks will move up to take him because each team wants to create a suicide epidemic amongst their local fan base.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame – I don’t think this is a pick most other mocks are predicting, but I’d say after the second pick there are about two other predictions I feel confident about in the rest of the first round. I’ve seen some people (like Mel) predicting a trade up by someone to get Fletcher Cox at this spot, but a team who might want to do that (e.g., the Eagles) would have to give up something like a second and fifth rounder this year, or a first next year, to move up this far and if Cox glides in past the Rams at six, the Eagles can probably look at the board and feel good that they’ll either grab ahold of Cox or Michael Brockers at fifteen. Interest in Mark Barron also seems to be peaking for several teams, but I don’t see anyone who really needs a safety (e.g., the Eagles or Cowboys) giving up enough to move up to number seven to get him. Therefore, I think Jacksonville is stuck with the pick.

Here’s my case for the Jags drafting Floyd: Jacksonville needs a wide receiver and they have a new owner with an awesome mustache and he probably wants to do something sexier than drafting a defensive end (e.g., Melvin Ingram) or a corner (e.g., Stephon Gilmore, the consensus pick I’m seeing in mocks) or trading down (which I don’t think they’ll be able to do anyways). He’ll probably say something in a pre-draft meeting like, “Hey, I didn’t show up in America with $50 in my pocket and turn it into $2.5 billion so I could buy a football team and watch you draft another fucking defensive end that probably won’t be any good. Touchdowns make chicks want to take a mustache ride and do coke on my yacht. I also need someone to party with, so take Michael Floyd.” More realistically, the Jags need to do something to help out their terrible offense. They also have a terrible history of drafting defensive linemen. Or just a terrible history of drafting period. Mustache joke.

8. Miami Dolphins: Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M Sheepfuckers – This is one of the two post number two selections I am confident about. It may not happen at eight, but there has been way too much discussion about Tannehill going to Miami for me not to believe it will happen. The Dolphins will regret it for years. (FN 5)

Based only on the mustache, I believe this is a recent photo of Shahid Khan.

9. Carolina Panthers: Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State – The Panthers need a wide receiver to give Cam Newton another weapon and to eventually fill the void that will be left when Steve Smith becomes human and ages, so this could be a place for Michael Floyd if he is not taken by the Jaguars as I guaranteed earlier (fart noise). Cox, however, can be brought in to plug a gaping hole (for the Panthers on the defensive line you sick bastard) and is a great value at this spot. Also, you have to think Ron Rivera is going to be more concerned with creating a dominant defensive line when he already has one stud receiver and a potentially devastating run game in place.

10. Philadelphia Eagles trade the 15th overall selection and the 46th overall selection (2nd round) to the Cleveland Browns for the 10th overall selection acquired via an earlier trade with Buffalo Bills: Mark Barron, SS, Alabama – The Eagles need a safety who makes big plays, can help in run support and can be the replacement for Brian Dawkins the organization has been trying to find for years. Barron fits each one of those needs. The Eagles know they have to get in front of the Cowboys to get Barron and this is probably their best trading partner. The Browns, already crushed from losing out on Trent Richardson, now just resign themselves to stockpiling other draft picks in hopes of finding any marginal talent upgrades and killing the clock on the 2012 season so they can take a quarterback in 2013. Being a Browns fan must be awesome.

11. Kansas City Chiefs: Luke Keuchly, ILB, Boston College –Inside linebacker is a need for the Chiefs (as is nose tackle and just about anywhere on the offensive line), but Keuchly seems to be regarded as the most “can’t miss” prospect in this draft. The problem is he plays a very un-sexy position. The alternatives for the Chiefs are (1) getting Dontari Poe to play the nose, which is not a sure thing, or (2) taking Riley Reiff and really hoping that he can step in at left tackle immediately. The Chiefs need a more sure thing at eleven and Keuchly represents that.

12. Seattle Seahawks: Melvin Ingram, DE/OLB, South Carolina – The Seahawks are quietly putting together something pretty good up in the Northwest and I think Peyton Manning made a mistake not giving Seattle a closer look. Ingram would represent an excellent value at this point and it would make Seattle’s already good defensive line even better. If Ingram is gone when the Seahawks pick (which most mocks predict), then I think they take Chandler Jones (a guy who most mock drafts have the Seahawks selecting, but F those other mock drafts).

I'm curious why big 'ol Cox is smiling here.

13. Arizona Cardinals: Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa – Unlike with Buffalo, the Fartinals taking Riley Reiff probably makes them better this year while he plays right tackle (because their line sucks in general) and in the future when he moves over to the left side (because Levi Brown sucks specifically). I could also see them shooting the wheels off the draft and reaching for Courtney Upshaw or Whitney Mercilus because they need more out of their outside pass rush, but let’s pretend for a moment that the Cardinals make good personnel choices.

14. Dallas Cowboys: David DeCastro, OG, Stanford – I have probably constructed my entire mock draft as a wish fulfillment exercise, because this is the one guy that I really want the Cowboys to get who could possibly be available. I also wouldn’t cry if we took Dontari Poe, but he does present some risk. DeCastro, on the other hand, seems to be mentioned with Keuchly as one of the “can’t miss” guys of the draft. Which is good, because we have learned over the years that the Cowboys are fully capable of missing with high draft picks. Putting DeCastro next to Doug Free probably makes Free better and solidifies the right side of the line for the next five to eight years. In fact, the line should be awesome just in time for Tony Romo to start going downhill in a couple of years.

The mock draftosphere will grade this as a crushing defeat for the Cowboys since they didn’t get Mark Barron because “their secondary was awful.” Agreed. However, I still believe that most of the problems with the Cowboys’ defense stem from their inability to generate a pass rush of any kind with their defensive line. A secondary of Deion Sanders, Champ Bailey, Ed Reed and Rod Woodson would look like shit if it had to cover receivers for 8 seconds on every play. As someone who watches the Cowboys with a keen interest, I am certain that their biggest need is on the defensive line and not in the secondary. How can the Cowboys’ defensive line be helped the most? They can either draft Poe, stick him in the middle and let Jay Ratliff move back to defensive end (I would be perfectly happy with this) or they can do as I have suggested and just focus on making the offense so good that the other team has to become one dimensional, thus making the defenses’ job easier. I honestly think the latter tactic is the only way to make the Cowboys a playoff contender this season.

15. Cleveland Browns (via trade with the Philadelphia Eagles): Michael Brockers, DT, LSU – So at this point the Browns have missed on some of the game changers they wanted, but they also now have the 22nd, 37th and 46th picks in the 2012 draft and another first rounder in 2013. The Browns need a running back, a tackle, a receiver and an outside linebacker. But Cleveland should be able to address those needs later without reaching here. Instead, I think the Browns take the best guy left on the board and that is Brockers. Pairing Brockers with Michelin Man impersonator Philip Taylor would give the Browns an impressive set of defensive tackles to anchor the defense for several years.

16. New York Jets: Courtney Upshaw, OLB/DE, Alabama – Rex Ryan needs to retool the defense with some youth on the edge and Upshaw is dude that probably doesn’t have a set position in the NFL, but a dude like Ryan will find a way to get the most out of his skill set. Also, I don’t really give a shit if people don’t think he has a natural position. He is an ass kicker (said with Brock Lesnar’s Midwestern hick accent). Be happy Jets fans and don’t boo like a-holes.

Half-time of the mock draft hot lady picture from a nerd flick I'm excited about break!

17. Tennessee Titans trade the 20th overall selection, the 115th overall selection (4th round) and a 3rd round pick in the 2013 draft to the Cincinnati Bengals for the 17th overall selection: Quinton Couples, DE, North Carolina – I just looked at my board and realized Couples had not been taken yet. I think that makes Couples this year’s “holy shit, look what fell in my lap pick” (i.e., the “Nick Fairley Memorial Pick”). Tennessee has adequate starters at corner, and they could probably stay at 20 and get a good corner, but they also need defensive end help in a big way. Couples is arguably the best defensive end in the draft and the Titans know that he probably still won’t be around after the Charges and Bears pick.

The Bengals need help on the interior offensive line and in the secondary. There are no safeties to draft at this spot and there are a couple of good cornerback and line prospects on the board so they can probably still solve multiple problems even when they move down a few spots.

18. San Diego Chargers: Chandler Jones, DE/OLB, Syracuse – The Chargers could use help on the offensive line, but they have all five starters returning from the end of the season and there are no lineman worth taking at this spot that would be surefire upgrades. They could also use this pick on Dontari Poe and make him the center of their 3-4 for years to come. But the Chargers need a big play guy on the edge and this pick does that.

19. Detroit Lions trade the 23rd overall selection and the 85th overall selection (3rd round) to the Chicago Bears for the 19th overall selection, the 111th overall selection (4th round) (FN 7), and the 150th overall selection (5th round): Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina – With the Bengals picking at 20 and 21, the Lions know that Gilmore will be gone in one of the next two picks. The Lions need a number one corner and Gilmore is more likely to be that than Kirkpatrick. The Lions also need an offensive tackle, but if they don’t do something to shore up the back seven they will be playing a never ending string of 45-42 games in 2012. The Lions fill a need with a better player here and hope that a decent right tackle slides to them later.

20. Cincinnati Bengals (via trade with the Tennessee Titans): Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama – The Bengals have the next pick so we’ll discuss them together.

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Cordy Glenn, OG, Georgia – All goes according to plan for the Bengals (FN 6). If the Bengals can get one of the top offensive guards (DeCastro or Glenn) and one of the top two corners after Claiborne (Gilmore or Kirkpatrick) then Cincinnati fans should pretend they don’t live in the dying remains of a racist, uptight, hell hole for one night and celebrate.

Spending all of those years being a horrible executive really makes your good moves seem that much better now. Way to set the bar low for two decades Mike.

22. Cleveland Browns: Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor – I would not be surprised at all to see the Browns get Jonathan Martin and form a solid set of tackles for the next several years, but the Browns need playmakers. Wright seems to fit better with what the Browns want to do than other receivers (e.g., Stephen Hill) and there are some good offensive tackles that will be available when the Browns pick early in round 2. Bonus selections! (guitar wail and flashing lights) – look for the Browns to get David Wilson from Virgina Tech at 37 to fill their need at running back and noted pot head Mike Adams in the second round at 46 to fill their need for an offensive tackle, thus earning an “A” from all of the draft graders, myself included. 2012 will suck Cleveland, but this draft paired with a lot of high round picks in 2013 will be put you on the road to being competitive soon.

23. Chicago Bears (via a trade with the Detroit Lions): Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford – I know, you think I’m crazy for predicting that the Bears would do business with the Lions on draft day, but I think it makes sense for both parties. Everyone in the world is predicting that the Bears will use their first round pick on a defensive end, but I disagree. The promotion of Mike Tice to offensive coordinator was meant to signal a greater reliance on the running game. It better, because Jay Cutler has taken a brutal fucking beating for two years. Lovie Smith can find guys to fit his defense in later rounds (he always does), but the Bears need a better offense to compete in a division with the Packers and Lions. Getting Brandon Marshall was a great first step, but he won’t get the ball if Cutler is constantly on his ass. Martin projects to be a solid pro and seems like a no-brainer pick here.

24. Pittsburgh Steelers: Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis – Fuck you Steelers. This is the perfect situation for Poe to come into, serve an apprenticeship behind Casey Hampton, and then become a monster in the middle of the Steelers defense for 10 years. The only problem with this pick for the Steelers is that if they don’t get some more help on the offensive line Ben Roethlisberger is going to get injured and then who will be the rape leader on the team? WHO? If Martin or Glenn slides for any reason then I think the Steelers take one of them here.

25. Denver Broncos: Jerel Worthy, DT, Michigan State – The Broncos need a defensive lineman and there will probably be heart palpitations all across Denver when the Steelers’ pick is announced, with everyone in the Rockies praying to Jesus that Dontari Poe will fall to Denver. Well bad news Broncos fans – Jesus left town when you traded Megachurch to New York so don’t expect any more special favors. Just take Jerel Worthy and focus on the fact you won the Peyton Manning sweepstakes.

You better draft well Broncos because your biggest fan and, let's face it, your best player probably left with Tebow to go to the Jets.

26. Houston Texans: Rueben Randle, WR, LSU – Not seeing an offensive lineman they want to draft at this point, the Texans get a receiver to pair with Andre Johnson (and to serve as a threat when Johnson is injured). At this point it’s Randle or Stephen Hill and Houston, who is certainly in win now mode, is more likely to go with the more finished product in Randle.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars trade the 38th overall selection (2nd round), the 101st overall selection (4th round) and a third round pick in the 2013 draft to the New England Patriots for the 27th overall selection: Whitney Mercilis, DE, Illinois – At this point in the draft there will be a few decent edge rushers left on the board, which New England needs, but Bill won’t be able to resist the opportunity to trade down, load up on more picks that he will trade down with later, and let the media discuss how he is the master of getting value out of his picks. Here is some value I’ll provide to you Patriots fans – your defense sucks. You need impact players and it would be nice if one day Belichick made a trade up to get a real impact player on the defensive side of the ball instead of constantly turning fourth round rookies into starting cornerbacks that people think are good because the Patriots are winning, but in reality suck because Tom Brady is a fucking Jedi and constantly bails this team out.

Having issued a mustache veto at the seventh pick, Khan leaves to celebrate with Floyd on his yacht and the front office cobbles this trade together to address a major area of concern for the Jags. The trade allows Jacksonville to jump ahead of a string of teams about to draft edge players and get one of the more intriguing prospects in the draft.

28. Green Bay Packers: Nick Perry, DE/OLB, USC – The Packers need a pass rusher to compliment Clay Matthews and Perry is probably the best player left to be an attacking guy off the edge. The Packers could use help all along the front seven, but Perry gives them the immediate threat they need to hopefully upgrade their defense from “God awful” to “almost adequate”, which combined with the Packers offense might as well be called “Super Bowl worthy.”

29. St. Louis Rams trade the 39th overall selection, the 96th overall selection (4th round) and the 171st overall selection (6th round) to the Baltimore Ravens for the 29th overall selection: Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech - I see a lot of discussion about the Ravens taking Dont’a Hightower here, but the great Ozzie Newsome knows that he has several holes to fill on this roster and getting a guard/center is probably more important than finding an inside linebacker this year. This trade probably allows the Ravens to get someone like Peter Konz (G/C, Wisconsin) who can play guard and fill an immediate need next to Matt Birk while also being groomed to be his replacement. It also gives Ozzie the first pick in the fourth round which allows him to spend all night Friday shopping it to the highest bidder so he can get more picks. And I don’t know about you, but for some reason I have the sneaking suspicion that Baltimore will be drafting this year’s top overall fuck up Vontaze Burficut late in the draft and that Ray, Terrell and Ed will straighten his shit out real quick and make him into a very good pro.

As for the Rams, in case you hadn’t heard, they kind of have valuable draft picks falling out of their ass for the next couple of years, so if a guy as highly regarded as Hill (who also fills a need) is still sitting on the board at this point you can secure him while still having the first pick in the second round to get another offensive lineman or the best defensive tackle on the board at that point.

Don't worry Bill. Your inability to upgrade your defense won't be questioned as long as you keep trading around a lot in the draft. People will just assume your getting good value because Tom Brady is dragging your teams to Super Bowls that you lose.

30. San Francisco 49ers: Kevin Zeitler, OG, Wisconsin – Um, so, people keep saying that guard is the biggest need for the 49ers and since I can’t really figure out how they played so well last year I think I just have to believe what I read. I do know that the 49ers like to run a lot and that their starting right guard, who was the worst guy on their line, left for Arizona (funny). So I guess this pick makes sense. I don’t really care. The real Alex Smith is going to show up in 2012 and all of the guards in the world won’t keep this team from being .500.

31. New England Patriots: Shea McClellin, OLB, Boise State – I think the Patriots would want to trade down again just to prove they can make a Super Bowl with no first round picks, but I don’t know why a team would jump to this spot given where the board is at. I don’t think a team (e.g., the Colts or Vikings) will jump up to take one of the remaining offensive tackles because there are two fairly good prospects left (Mike “4:20″ Adams and Bobby Massie) unless they were absolutely convinced that the Giants are taking a tackle. A team might really want Coby Fleener, but I don’t see a team at the top of the second round that will want to move up for him. Bill should just sit still and take this guy. He is exactly the type of hustling white guy that pans out for the Patriots.

32. New York Giants: Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford – The Giants need another offensive weapon to replace Mario Manningham and Fleener does that while become the legitimate tight end this team has needed since Jeremy Shockey left. If he doesn’t go here, I think he may go to the Colts with the second pick of the next round to make Luck more comfortable. The Giants also need offensive line and linebacker help, but they won the Super Bowl last year with a decimated back seven. As long as the front four keeps up the pressure, this team just needs to score enough points to make the other team one dimensional. Also, his name rhymes with wiener so in my book he’s a can’t miss selection for the Giants.

Well that was fun. If you have made it through all 6,400+ words someone should send you a cookie. Please provide any commentary you have below and be prepared to discuss at the Draft Party.

"I'm sorry Coby, you said it is pronounced 'flea-ner'?"

FN 1 – This is currently my second favorite non-sexual surprise jersey reveal scenario. Number one is Obama winning re-election and then ripping open his shirt during the inaugural address to reveal a bejeweled t-shirt that says, “I’m a Kenyan Muslim.” If he did that I would give up eating bacon until his second term was up, which I consider to be a greater sacrifice than death.

FN 2 – In a slight modification of the deal posed above, I can also see the Bills trading the 10th overall pick, the 41st overall selection (2nd round), the 144th overall selection (5th round) to get the 4th overall selection from the Browns, but I think the trade in the text above makes more sense for both teams. The Bills want to keep picks in this draft to make their team better this year and the Browns want an additional first round pick to use next year, probably as ammo to trade up for Matt Barkley.

FN 3 - I’m going to take a moment for a brief aside that may merit further explanation later, but I have a counter to the concept of building teams “from the inside out” that you hear so much about at this time of year. I think for a defense, it is more appropriate to imagine the shape of Ionic Roman Columns instead of a blast zone centered around the ball. In today’s NFL you need guys who can come off of and defend the edge (defensive ends or outside linebackers in a 3-4), but I will concede that it is best to have a dominant defensive tackle or two. So, assuming a 4-3 defense, I think you want to radiate straight down the line from the ball (tackle, end and then corner), loop up and to get the safeties and then get your middle linebacker followed by your outside linebackers. On offense you have to take away the quarterback from fun time shape/draft making (because we all know he’s the most important) and then I would be inclined to argue, against what I have said in other parts of this post, that you start at receiver, move to the tackles, the interior line and then up to the running backs. Wide receivers and tight ends today are freaks of nature. Passing games in the league have really evolved to take advantage of the full space around a potential receiving target (think of the back shoulder throws made by Aaron Rodgers or the vertical windows Drew Brees throws to on seam routes for Jimmy Graham to jump up and catch) in a way not seen in previous generations. If you want a high-powered offense, you need guys on the edge that can make all of those catches. And although you can find guys who make great receivers in the later rounds (e.g., Victor Cruz), the guy you expect to man up and get ten catches for you in the Super Bowl is probably a first rounder (e.g., Hakeem Nicks). You may not necessarily prioritize your draft around this concept because general managers in the NFL still seem to be uncertain about what makes a quality receiver in this league so you can get some good guys late, but you can get a lot further in this league with a great QB, really good receivers and an average line (e.g., 2010 Packers, just about every Colts team for the last decade plus) than you can with a great QB, average receivers and a really good line.

FN 4 – Fletcher Cox wins my “Best Name of the First Round” Award. There are sooooooooo many jokes just oozing out of the end of that name.

FN 5 – A quick aside about high school football. There may still be a legitimate debate about which state, Texas or Florida, produces the most overall football talent, but the case is closed when it comes to producing quarterbacks. Three of likely top eight picks in this draft (Luck, Griffin and Tannehill) all played high school football in Texas. After this draft, assuming all three of these guys start the majority of their team’s games, of the assumed 32 starting quarterbacks in the NFL, 10 will have played their high school football in Texas (Luck, Griffin, Tannehill, Matthew Stafford, Christian Ponder, Drew Brees, Matt Flynn, Kevin Kolb, Andy Dalton, and Colt McCoy). In case you were wondering, an impressive six starting quarterbacks played their high school ball in California (Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez, Matt Cassel, Carson Palmer, Aaron Rodgers, and Alex Smith).

FN 6 – How often do you read that sentence about the Cincinnati Bengals?

FN 7 – Please read the comments section for a revision to this sure to be accurate prediction. I was starting to get tired head around this pick.

Sports Nostradamus’ Mini Mock Draft

Posted: 26th April 2012 by The Draft Party Host in NFL Draft
Tags: Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III, Sports Nostradam

Prepare to be blown away by these picks!

It looks like J Quincy has inspired about 10% of this blog’s readership, because everyone’s favorite seer of the future, Sports Nostradamus, went to a quiet place to clear his head and present to you, the Draft Party Blog nation, his unique vision for the first two picks of the 2012 NFL Draft:

“I am sure most of you know that the NFL draft is very close. It is a known fact that Sports Nostradamas has predicted the first two picks of each NFL draft for the last 30 or so years. This draft is no different. Here are my predictions and a few “power points” as to why these are my picks.

1. Indianapolis Colts – I predict that the Colts will select quarterback Andrew Luck from Stanford. Luck threw a lot of touchdown passes the last few seasons and as most people know the Colts lost Peyton Manning to another NFL team in the off season. The Colts are in need of a quarterback and will more than likely use their top pick to get one. I think it will probably be Luck.

2. Washington Redskins – I predict the Redskins will select Robert Griffin III out of Baylor. The Redskins have not had a decent QB since Sammy Baugh and Doug Williams. They will try to combine those two players (a Texas high school football star and a black man) with the pick of Robert Griffin III.”

“And with the (fart noise) pick, the Dallas Cowboys select…” (with special guest J Quincy)

Posted: 24th April 2012 by The Draft Party Host in Dallas Cowboys, Football
Tags: Brandon Brooks, Bruce Irvin, Dontari Poe, J Quincy, James Hannah, Josh Robinson, Korey Williams, Markelle Martin, Philip Blake, The Juggernaut

Incredibly Accurate Picture of the Author of this Piece

My brother in blogdom and wiener cousin (FN 1) J Quincy has done all of you a great favor. He has prepared a Cowboy focused mock draft. I love it! One of my 12 readers taking ownership and submitting their own work for rigorous peer review. I will have up a full first round mock draft very soon, but until then please (1) consider submitting your own mock draft for your favorite team that I will post, and (2) enjoy this appetizer mock draft:

Round 1 (14^th overall): Dontari Poe, NT, Memphis

Notes: The Cowboys 1^st priority should be David DeCastro here, but everyone in the free world knows that the most pro-ready, can’t miss player at any position in this whole draft will be long gone by the time they are on the clock at 14. If he is, then they get a 2-fer in Dontari Poe; A.) he’ll be the true Nose Tackle that this team sorely needs, and B.) They move Jay Ratliff back out to DE, where he’s a more natural fit.

Round 2, Pick 13 (45^th overall): Josh Robinson, CB, UCF

Notes: The single fastest 40 time in the draft this year and a guy who almost exclusively played man coverage in college. The NFL loves dudes like this.

I am so thankful he's doing that with his shirt on

Round 3, Pick 18 (81^st overall): Philip Blake, C, Baylor

Notes: The second best true center in the draft behind Peter Konz from Wisconsin.

Round 4, Pick 18 (118^th overall): Markelle Martin, S, Oklahoma State

Notes: Trenton Robinson, S from Michigan State, could be a viable option here as well.

Round 4, Pick 40 (135^th overall): Bruce Irvin, OLB, West Virginia

Notes: Ryan Broyles, WR from Oklahoma, would be a nice pick here as well.

Round 5, Pick 17 (152^nd overall): Brandon Brooks, G, Miami of Ohio

Notes: There might have to be a trade up to the front of the 5^th round for this guy. His measurable are as good as any G in the draft. The only reason why he’s a mid-round prospect is because he didn’t get an invite to the Combine. Only God knows why. If he is gone by this point in the draft –which is highly likely- look for the Cowboys to take Ron Leary OG/OT from Memphis.

Visual approximation of Dontari Poe

Round 6, Pick 16 (186^th overall): James Hannah, TE, Oklahoma

Notes: Fastest 40 time (4.49) of any TE in the draft. Not bad for a 3^rd stringer, eh?

Round 7, Pick 15 (222^nd overall): Korey Williams, ILB, Southern Mississippi

Notes: According WalterFootball.com: “Williams’ season ended in the fourth game due to a torn ACL. He assembled 35 tackles with 3.5 tackles for a loss, three interceptions and two pass breakups before the injury”. He did all that in 4 F*@#&*%$!!KING games?!?!? I’ll take it in the 7^th round any day.

In closing:

I am fully aware that I am going to be wrong on every one of these picks. I’ve seen Brandon Brooks projected as high as the 2^nd(!) round, and Josh Robinson as low as the 4^th. That said, if I am right on at least some of these, I truly believe this will be a very good year for the little Cowboys.

You might’ve noticed a conspicuous absence of WRs taken in my Cowboys mock. That is because I truly believe they will address that position with a veteran free agent or two at some point. Names that spark my interest are Santana Moss (assuming the Foreskins do what everyone expects them to do and they cut him), Jerome Simpson (assuming his probable suspension won’t go more than 4 games) (FN 2), and/or Mark Clayton (I know you think he’s made of glass –and you’d be right- but so was Laurent Robinson before he came to the Cowboys. Besides, when Clayton’s healthy, he’s not bad). Braylon Edwards slightly moves my needle too, but only slightly. (FN 3)

You'll make a fine seventh round selection sir. We love taking linebackers who are a year away, so you'll fit in fine.

FN 1 – I’m pretty sure we broke off the same squirrel on a camping trip once. And no, squirrel is not a euphemism.

FN 2 – Between sending this article to me and my publishing of it, Jerome Simpson signed with the Vikings.

FN 3 – Braylon Edwards makes my needle want to invert back into my body or just fall off and get eaten by a cat.

The World is a Cold and Confusing Place, So Whose Mock Draft Should I Trust?

Posted: 23rd April 2012 by The Draft Party Host in NFL Draft
Tags: Hannah Simone, Mel Kiper Jr., Mike Mayock, Peter King, Rick Gosselin, The Sporting News, Todd McShay, Walter Football

Less smiling, more mock drafting

I think I speak for everyone on the planet when I say, “Holy balls, there’s less than a week until the NFL Draft and the NFL Draft Party and I’m way behind on my preparations! I don’t want to look like a dick at the Draft Party when I say something like, ‘Why are the Redskins picking second?’ or ‘What happened to hefty freak of nature Dontari Poe?’” In a panic, you’re likely to just start grasping desperately at random mock drafts, letting their warm predictions rush over your face and into your hair, stray bits beading on your shoulders while delicious morsels of draft prognostication drip down your heaving bosom.

But before you enter this twisted mass of mock drafting erotica, stop and think, are these the mock drafts you want to be with? Are you willing to risk your draft day pride for one steamy night being finger-cuffed between Peter King’s flaccid reasoning and Mike Mayock’s hurried game tape review? Or would you rather hold out for that nice boy Walter Football and see if he’ll take you out in a respectable fashion to watch the draft before trying to get you to evaluate his upside?

Um, do you know where that hand has been?

This is where I come in to help you old friend. So you have some guidance before you start going ~~down on~~ through every mock draft on the Internet, I have taken the time to research some of the more well known names in mock draftdom so you can have some idea of what you’re getting into before you end up with a draft analysis STD. I went back and looked up the final mock draft provided by each of Mel Kiper Jr., Todd McShay, Mike Mayock, The Sporting News, Peter King, Rick Gosselin and Walter Football each of the last 5 years to see how many first round selections each of them correctly guessed. Note that I gave them credit for a correct prediction if they were able to predict the correct slot a player was drafted in (e.g., 7th overall) or if they predicted the team that actually drafted a player (e.g., Peter King had the Browns trading up to third overall to draft Brady Quinn and I had to reluctantly give him credit for that since the Browns eventually drafted him). The results are as follows:

	2011	2010	2009	2008	2007
Mel Kiper Jr.	8	10	9	10	10
Todd McShay	7	12	10	8	? (FN 1)
Mike Mayock	?	?	?	?	? (FN 2)
Sporting News	5	6	?	?	? (FN 3)
Peter King	6	9	8	6	6
Rick Gosselin	14	9	?	?	? (FN 4)
Walter Football	10	5	7	7	? (FN 5)

I discovered a few things in my journey towards discovering which menage a mock I wanted to be a part of. First, it is really hard to find mock draft information about previous years. Look at the footnotes for explanations about each person above, but either their web site doesn’t keep information available for that long (e.g., Rick Gosselin at the Dallas Morning News) or they apparently don’t put out any mock drafts but still are the headline draft evaluator for their network (cough, Mike Mayock, cough cough, pussy, cough). I might want to keep my previous predictions (to keep up the motif of the article, read: sexual partners) a secret if I was only getting 25% of them correct (read: I have AIDS).

I can recommend evaluating Hannah Simone's Mock Draft (NOTE: provided for the benefit of Sports OBL)

Speaking of AIDS, the second thing I learned is that most of these guys are not very good at making mock draft predictions. How bad are they? Based on my scoring metrics, I got 6 correct selections for my mock draft last year. Yes, the guy who spends a few hours of his spare time turning a discussion of the NFL Draft into dick jokes and a mock draft evaluation into an extended group sex gag got more selections correct than the goddamn Sporting News, the same number as probably the most respected journalist covering football, Peter King, one less correct than Todd McShay and two less correct than the dean of draft coverage Mel Kiper Jr. I’m sorry gentlemen, but it sounds like most of you have some trouble providing mock draft “satisfaction.” (wink, wanking motion, smiling nod)

Did I say “wanking motion”? That leads me to my third discovery: don’t put too much stock in mock drafts. Seriously, what are they doing for you? To be prepared for the draft, and more importantly the Draft Party, you should care about knowing how good each player is and if the “slot” your team “plugged” him in at is reasonable. For that, you’re better off looking at things like “Mel’s Big Board” or the Scouts, Inc. top 32. Better yet, try and find a site that gives you information about how a prospect grades out by round (like the prospect rankings at CBS Sports). If you really want to look at some mock drafts so you can get a feel for how you think the draft should go, Rick Gosselin is generally regarded as the best of the prognosticators (FN6), but I’ve heard rumors that he won’t be doing any more mock drafts, so despite your best efforts you got fucked there. In the end, it is probably better to compile some good materials that give you long and detailed player information, you know, something that really shows you everything, and just handle your business yourself. (FN 7)

Since you've left us alone Rick I guess we'll just have to experiment with several mock drafts until we figure out what we like

FN 1 – It looks like McShay only started writing under his name and not under the “Scouts, Inc.” moniker in 2008 so there is no information for his predictions in 2007.

FN 2 – Mike Mayock is a giant vag and has no mock draft information on the Internet. Regardless, I still really like his draft coverage on TV. We will be watching NFL Network’s coverage on the Friday night portion of the Draft Party.

FN 3 – I have no idea whey I can’t find more mock draft information for a publication that is over 100 years old.

FN 4 – The Dallas Morning News doesn’t keep stories on their site older than two years. Fuck you guys. This isn’t China.

FN 5 – Walter leaves everything on his site up in perpetuity. The first one I found was in 2008. His site is awesome.

FN 6 – 14 out of 32 is pretty amazing, but it is even more amazing when you realize he hit on selections like the Titans taking Jake Locker and Nick Fairley falling to the Lions.

FN 7 – Or read my mock draft that I’ll post in a couple of days. Either way.

Roger Goodell: A Case Study in Dickheadery (with Special Guest J Quincy)

Posted: 14th April 2012 by The Draft Party Host in Football
Tags: Dickheadery, J Quincy, Roger Goodell

I said J Quincy, not Quincy Quincy

I am a bad friend. Our good buddy J Quincy sent me a fine article discussing what ball sack licker Roger Goodell is a couple of weeks ago and I have not posted it until now because I had to finish my own “Goodell is a ball sack licker” article first. Anyhoo, let the words drips over you like hot candle wax on Roger Goodell’s testicles. More importantly (!) J Quincy has his own fine blog now which you should check out at www.boredgameblog.net. As you’ll see when you check it out (NOW), the site covers discussions, “From Pole Position to Pole Vaulting. From Battleship to Baseball. All things game related.” In other words, it’s about as focused as this aimless space of Internet waste you are currently reading, but even more amusing. Check out the following article there or here, but make sure you enjoy it.

The quicker player murderer

Okay. We get it. You have pandered to the pundits, and they applaud your effort. No one doubts who has the biggest dick in the boardroom now. The NFL is a safer, friendlier place now that you’ve blurred the lines of what football actually is even further. Much in the same way that no one ever goes a tick over the speed limit, and the illegal drug trade, like the rotary phone, is but a distant memory for most Americans, now that there’s a hard and fast rule against a “bounty” system, no one will ever do it again. So in the immortal words of the great Professor Hubert Farnsworth, Good News, Everyone! Now lets get these ladies suited up in something that’s more befitting their new game.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that paying players to injure other players (not named Brett Favre) in the course of a game is okay, but like many rules that have oozed from the colon of Roger Shit-fist, I need some clarity. First of all, lets tighten in on the term “bounty”. As I understand it, what the New Orleans Saints were guilty of was having everyone pay into a kitty and that there would be certain payouts from week to week for accomplishing “goals” in the form of big plays (i.e. sacks, interceptions, forced fumbles, etc.) and/or injuring certain players from other teams. To be clear, the part about the injuring people is bad. Very bad. And it deserves and needs to go punished, but is there a huge difference between suspending Head Coach Sean Payton for 4 games without pay, which would cost him $2mm, or a whole season which is going to cost him $7.5mm? Not that I feel bad for the poor unfortunate Sean Payton -it’s not like he’s reduced to Raman Noodles for the next year- but Bill Belichick by comparison, got little more than a slap on the wrist for filming other teams practicing, but I digress. Sort of.

Back to the word “bounty” that’s been tossed around so freely the last week and a half or so: what is a little more hazy is whether or not the Saints had these bounties out on specific players, or just positions. In other words, there’s been some contradictory reports on whether they had it out for the quarterback for the other team, or did Aaron Rodgers specifically, need to check his life insurance policy and make sure his affairs were in order prior to the game?

The amount of money that changed hands was one aspect of it all that I found interesting. There are reports that players would have to pay in to the kitty when they did something detrimental to the team in the course of a game (i.e. get penalized for something, miss a tackle, get lost in coverage, etc.), but the amount was relatively minuscule considering we’re talking about the professional athlete tax bracket here – to the tune of $200 for a missed tackle. At that rate, the kitty never got over approximately $7,000. Let that sink in for a second: $7,000 for an NFL football player. I’m just curious, with that amount of loot, did the recipient rush right out and buy two 1998 Toyota Corollas, or did he wait a few days?

"Do you have another one of these in pink? It's for the Misses. She loves pink."

Also, what all are we calling a “bounty”, exactly? Does money have to exchange hands? What about when we see dudes jumping around on the sidelines like tweenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert when one of there teammates -a linebacker for instance- breaks the collarbone of the opposing quarterback and ends his season (FN 1)? Is it not clearly a form of encouragement when they’re over there chest bumping like Milli Vanilli at the sight of said QB lying on the ground wincing in tremedous pain? When we’re talking $1,200 to a player who is scheduled to make $3.6mm that year, is that not essentially the same thing? And has it not been going on since there was a team called the Dayton Triangles?

G-G-G-G-Girrrrl!

There’s also another little nipple-twist to this whole thing that has been glossed over by just about everyone: In any of the seasons that the Saints were allegedly doling out these sweet payouts that enabled the recipients to go and enroll one whole class at the local community college for free -courtesy of that stop for a loss on Michael Turner that previous Sunday- they were no where near the top of the league in penalty yardage.

To an extent, I get what this was about. I get that this is a CYA move for the NFL who is facing multiple lawsuits from former players claiming the league didn’t do enough to warn them of the dangers of concussions, and now they’re suffering from the long-term effects. But is that not the reason why they where helmets to begin with? Did they ever piece that together? That would be like suing the Department of Transportation after I got in a car accident because they didn’t warn me that if I drive, that might happen at some point. Besides, I can’t help but chuckle when I think that some of those very players who are suing the league, played when Buddy Ryan was a head coach.

I bet he's blowing up Satan with a late hit as we speak.

But the lights were on, and the Grand Dragon of grandstanding, Roger “Do” Goodell did not disappoint. And just like the NCAA put an end, once and for all, to cheating when they dropped their collective dick-hammer on SMU back in 1987, all NFL teams will hold an impromptu sideline candle-light vigil every time an opposing player goes down and doesn’t get up.

In closing I wanted to reference the line from the great movie The Hangover, and simply say “Thanks a lot, Bin Laden”. But when I wrote it, I couldn’t help but think it was funnier if I used it more like a sign off, like:

Thanks a lot,

Bin Laden

I just think it would be funny if one of the few things that could really get him chattering away -before he started his volley ball league in hell- was NFL policy and procedure.

To Be Continued…

FN 1 – that sounds strangely familiar…

Ryan Tannehill: Soon to be Hated in Miami More than Ozzie Guillen

Posted: 10th April 2012 by The Draft Party Host in NFL Draft
Tags: Andrew Luck, Art Briles, Christian Ponder, David DeCastro, Jake Locker, Justin Blackmon, Luke Kuechly, Mark Barron, Matt Barkley, Matt Flynn, Miami Dolphins, Mike Sherman, Oklahoma State, Peyton Manning, Robert Griffin III, Ryan Tannehill, Texas A&M, University of Oklahoma, University of Texas

Get used to this sight Dolphins fans

I hope that all of you have been paying closer attention to mock drafts and player rankings now that we are about three weeks away from the draft. I’ve started stepping up my preparation by watching NFL Network’s “Path to the Draft” and dedicating some time each day to read draft related materials. While all of this has been enlightening, one particular topic has caused me to stop, sit back, and really wonder if any of these draft “experts” has any idea what the fuck they’re talking about. The topic in question – the steady rise up draft boards of Ryan Tannehill.

Every mock draft I see these days has Tannehill going 8th to the Dolphins. Even more disturbing is that Scouts, Inc. and Todd McShay have Tannehill as the 8th ranked prospect in the draft. Yes, you read that correctly. They’re not saying Tannehill will go to the Dolphins (who have the 8th selection), they’re saying if you had your choice of all of the prospects in the draft he would be the 8th best. That is, in a word, unfuckingbelievable.

I understand predicting that Tannehill will go at 8 to the Dolphins. Teams that don’t have one are constantly in search of a franchise quarterback (e.g., the early draft positions of Jake Locker and Christian Ponder) and because of the new rookie wage scale they’re cheaper to invest in. The Dolphins also particularly reek of desperation considering that they missed out on signing Peyton Manning, Matt Flynn or any human with two legs that is better than Matt Moore this offseason. They also have a fan base that is getting nasty due to a 10 year run of pretty consistently sucking. I assume that drafting a good player at another position and signaling to your fans that you’ll just wait and see if you win the Matt Barkley sweepstakes next year won’t go over well. But let me assure you, gentle Dolphins fan, you don’t want any piece of Ryan Tannehill. Have patience and wait a year for the chance at another quarterback because this guy sucks.

Memo to the Dolphins: Just pick the next best guy besides Tannehill, suck for a year, and take this guy

I know, you think I’m just being a dick because Tannehill is an Aggie. Good point – that is part of his problem. But he also legitimately will not be any good at playing quarterback in the NFL. There are a couple of things I use as my general rules to figure out if a quarterback will be any good in the NFL. First, I want to determine if a guy is accurate. The college game can be misleading on this front because the use of spread formations lead to easier (i.e., more wide open) throws, so completion percentage doesn’t tell the whole story. For example, RGIII had a gaudy 72.4% completion percentage last season, but some of that has to be attributed to Art Briles’ version of the spread and the constant threat of Robert running. Andrew Luck also posted a fairly ridiculous 71.3% completion percentage last year, which I think is a bit more impressive given the pro-style offense that Stanford runs. The Aggies used a bit of a pro-style offense with Mike Sherman at the helm, but also mixed in some spread principles. That translated, however, into a turd-like 61.6% completion percentage in the 2011 season for Tannehill. Two questions – (1) how many guys get more accurate when they move from college to the pros, and (2) if you assume his completion percentage will go down, how many “franchise” quarterbacks have a sub-61% completion percentage? Answer: apparently Cam Newton and Michael Vick, who no one has confused Tannehill with. (FN 1)

So Tannehill isn’t terribly accurate. That probably can’t be overcome, but let’s pretend for a second that guys get more accurate as they enter the NFL. The second general rule I use in evaluating a college quarterback is if the team that the dude is quarterbacking does what it is supposed to do or better. What does this mean? Well, in college the talent disparity between the number 1 and number 10 teams in the country is pretty significant. Sometimes a guy is on a team that doesn’t have much talent around him, so he’ll probably lose a few games, but he should win the games he’s supposed to win.

That may sound like an unfair or arbitrary metric, but that’s how we judge guys in the NFL. It doesn’t matter that Tony Romo probably had his best season in 2011, and one of the top 5 in the league, all that every mouth breather and talk show caller in the country knows is that Dallas didn’t win. If you don’t win in the NFL you are by definition a loser, and no one ever crowns a loser homecoming king or franchise cornerstone (no matter how many times he practices the winning reaction in the mirror). The talent disparity in the NFL is not that great, so you have to have a guy at quarterback that can take the talent around him and do what he’s supposed to do each week.

I'm sorry I don't have my glasses on - is that Michael Vick or Ryan Tannehill?

If you look at RGIII and the 2011 Baylor Bears, you see a team that did about what it was supposed to do. They started the season unranked and with a little bit of talent around Griffin, beat teams they were better than and lost to a very good Kansas State team on the road, at A&M (who will be discussed more in a moment) and at the house of Big 12 champion Oklahoma State. Stanford and Andrew Luck have some top-end talent (especially on the offensive line), but don’t have the skill players you get at other schools. They went in and won every game except at defending national runner-up Oregon and in the Fiesta Bowl, in overtime, against an Oklahoma State team that probably should have played for (and gotten killed by LSU for) a national championship. Ryan Tannehill took over a team with a pre-season top 10 ranking (and not because their quarterback was so awesome) and promptly turned it into a 7-6 bag of tiny dicks and a 7th place finish in the Big 12. Un aborto grande.

Also, it’s not just the fact that Tannehill turned lemonAIDS into regular ol’ AIDS, it’s the fact that he decided to do his worst work when his team needed him the most. In the third game of the season, at home and ranked #8 in the country, the Aggies hosted the #7 ranked Oklahoma State Cowboys. This was the game to put A&M back in the collective consciousness of the nation. This was Aggieland’s chance to show the world they were done with the Big 12 and ready to whip ass in the SEC. Okie State may have been good, but seriously, they’ve sucked for decades and had no business showing up in College Station and taking the first conference game of A&M’s “fuck you Big 12″ tour.

Attention Dolphin Fans: This is what a real top quality NFL prospect looks like

Yep, everything was all lined up for the Aggies. Hell, they had a 20-3 lead at halftime. Then, their fearless leader, promptly marched out onto the field and played on national television like someone who just woke up with two dicks in him at the most recent Aggie Corps of Cadets sanctioned date rape jamboree, throwing three picks in the final five A&M drives of the game, giving the ball back to guys who actually have a future in the league, like Justin Blackmon. Aggies 29, Aggies of Oklahoma 30.

Tannehill had a chance to atone for his sins the next week as the now #14 Aggies took on the then #18 Arkansas Razorbacks at Cowboys Stadium. I’m sure he dazzled the scouts that day, throwing a pick and accounting for no touchdowns in a 42-38 loss. (FN 2) Ryan followed this up with a 3 pick performance in the next big game for the Aggies, a 41-25 drubbing at Oklahoma (damnit I already used the date rape joke; note to self – use sheep fucking jokes for articles that include both A&M and Oklahoma and save the date and uzi rape jokes for Oklahoma).

And then, his masterpiece. In what I undoubtedly believe was the biggest game in modern A&M football history, a game that Aggie Nation wanted like no other, what will likely turn out to be the final Texas-Texas A&M football game, Tannehill shit his pants. (FN 3) I watched with amazement and delight as a much younger, inexperienced and less talented Longhorn team went into College Station and made Ryan Tannehill look like an abused hooker – he was scared, confused, on his back a lot and eventually in tears. I soaked up every second of that game and I left it thinking that certainly this would be the last football game Tannehill would play at quarterback. He was terrible. He was rattled. He was wildly inaccurate. How inaccurate? In the biggest game of his life he was 20 for 49 (eek!), for 249 yards, 2 touchdowns (alright), and three picks (loud thud made by the collective sound of all Aggie balls being cut off). Based on that performance alone I am certain that this guy has no fucking chance to be a decent NFL quarterback, much less BE THE EIGHTH BEST PROSPECT IN THIS DRAFT!!!! (FN 4)

Suck on this image you fucking inbred hicks

Taking Tannehill at 8 is the type of selection that turns a GM into an insurance salesman within two years. The Dolphins are going to take him, give him a chance for a couple of years, miss out on better quarterbacks they could draft in future years, realize that Tannehill sucks in about the 4th start of year 3 and then start this sad rodeo all over again. So answer me this Dolphins fans (or people pretending to be Dolphins fans for this hypothetical) – would you rather have Ryan Tannehill or Luke Kuechly or David DeCastro or Mark Barron? I know that Keuchly, DeCastro and Barron don’t play sexy positions (at least on the football field) but these guys are all smart, solid football players that have a good chance of making the Pro Bowl on a regular basis. Sometimes you need to let the game come to you, take the best player that is in front of you, and use the next best opportunity to fill another position.

I know if I were a Dolphins fan I’d be pretty bummed that we would have to endure another year with an unresolved quarterback situation. But I’d rather suffer for one more year while working a potential Pro Bowler into the lineup than suffer for another half decade while watching Mark Barron intercept passes from Ryan Tannehill (or his equally shitty replacement).

This face will haunt Dolphins fans for decades

FN 1 – Just to give you a frame of reference, Newton had a 66.1% completion percentage his only year in Auburn and Michael Vick had a pedestrian 56% completion percentage in his two years at Virginia Tech.

FN 2 – Also, good luck in the SEC you fucking cocksuckers. Arkansas will be your new big rivalry game, and you won’t beat them on a consistent basis. You’ve basically invited Alabama and LSU to rape the Houston market for talent. You’ve basically destroyed football in the state of Texas because you couldn’t stand being second (or third) in line. You’ll be begging to be an abused younger brother in a couple of years. You are soon to be an abused orphan.

FN 3 – I’m sure the rivalry will start up again in a few years, but God I hope it’s not in my lifetime.

FN 4 – In fairness to Tannehill, RGIII and Luck also had somewhat sub-par performances against their best competition, but they weren’t three pick meltdown performances. They were more like “not quite as awesome because we’re playing a good team and not San Jose State” performances.

The Saints Go Marching In Without Their Coach Because Roger Goodell is a Dill Hole

Posted: 5th April 2012 by The Draft Party Host in Football, Hatred of Brett Favre
Tags: Ben Roethlisberger, Bill Belichick, Bill Parcells, Brett Favre, Dave Duerson, Deacon Jones, Dick Butkus, Gregg Williams, Joe Vitt, Jonathan Vilma, MIckey Loomis, New Orleans Saints, Ray Lewis, Reggie White, Roger Goodell, Sean Payton

"This is the hand I want to squeeze Saints' fans nuts in."

Everyone I’ve seen on the street recently has been stopping me and saying, “Hey, Draft Party Host – what do you think about the Sean Payton suspension?” (FN 1) My initial reaction is that the suspension rubs me the wrong way, but I haven’t been able to take the time to think through exactly how it rubs me the wrong way. So, dear readers, please allow me this opportunity to selfishly take some time to rub one out.

As we all know by now, New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton was suspended for one year by the NFL, Saints GM Mickey Loomis was suspended for 8 games, assistant coach Joe Vitt was suspended for 6 games, and former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was suspended indefinitely for their roles in a “bounty” program that doled out rewards for injuring or knocking out of the game opposing offensive players. For example, “Saints defensive captain Jonathan Vilma offered $10,000 to any player who knocked then-Vikings QB Favre out of the 2010 NFC Championship Game.” (FN 2) On top of that, Payton allegedly knew all about the bounty program, did nothing to stop it, and then lied to the NFL to cover it up. I suppose I should say, “how disgusting! I want an honorable game played by men who cover themselves in modern armor and ram their heads into each other for my bloodthirsty entertainment to be civilized!” I think I’m going to stop short of that. In fact I think the one year suspension of Sean Payton, no matter who much he knew or what lies he told, is a steaming pile of bullshit served by a bitchy, hypocritical cunt.

I bet on your year off you won't hear as many stupid-ass questions like the one your listening to in this picture.

“Whoa, Draft Party Host! What’s with all the hostility?” Excellent question. As I hopefully indicated in the preceding paragraph, I don’t like this ruling for several reasons. (FN 3) First, I don’t think the application of a monetary reward for injuries changes the way defensive players behave. They get paid (handsomely) to be destructive forces. The more destructive a force they are (including causing injury), generally, the more they are paid by their employers. So how exactly are we not monetarily rewarding players for violence and injury already?

Roger attempted to make a counter-argument to the sanctioned violence of the NFL with this quote: “I am profoundly troubled by the fact that players — including leaders among the defensive players — embraced this program so enthusiastically and participated with what appears to have been a deliberate lack of concern for the well-being of their fellow players.” Good point Rog. These defensive players should care a little more about their fellow man. I’m sure some of them even felt bad about the pain they have caused offensive players during their careers. For example, let’s hear what Deacon Jones said was the biggest regret of his career:

“I’d kill more quarterbacks. That’s the only thing I could do differently. I couldn’t be any nastier. I couldn’t have any more intent. The only thing I do is ‘execute’ better.”

For God's sake, the name of his biography is "Headslap"!

(Tugs at collar to get more air) Well, that’s charming. But I’m sure he’s the only bloodthirsty old man out there. What would Dick Butkus have to say about trying to intentionally hurt a player:

“I’m not so mean. I wouldn’t ever go out to hurt anybody deliberately – unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something.”

(Wipes sweat from brow, clears throat) So the old guys were tough bastards. Surely someone more modern and a true man of God, like Reggie White, might have a more enlightened view about injuring opposing players:

“Sometimes you have to hit somebody to get them out of the game cuz if you get them out of the game then it gives you a better opportunity to win. When you see Emmit Smith pull a hamstring a week before a game, you’re thinking good this is my job and my job is to go out and do whatever I need to win.”

(FN 4) Jesus H. Christ, the goddamn preacher wants to go out and purposely injure people? I’m tired of looking for quotes and you get the point. There is not a single man who has strapped on a jock to play defense in the NFL that found extra motivation to harm an opponent because of a bounty. These guys get out of bed wanting to snap someone in half. If we can agree that is the case, then do we really care that someone is getting $100 extra for hitting the quarterback?

You can't see the small type, but I think is says at the end "unless you're gay or Asian."

Let’s assume for a minute that I’m wrong. Let’s assume that all of these guys who strap thin plastic to their heads and hurtle themselves at some of the largest and most athletic people on the planet are completely rational and don’t want to physically crush humans every day shortly after breakfast. If that is the case, wouldn’t it be wildly irrational to go out of your way to hurt someone in a game when the NFL is handing out record fines for “illegal” hits in games? Last year the NFL rules committee voted to increase fines for illegal hits, and under the governance of Emperor Goodell there has been a general increase in the number and amount of fines given out. (FN 5) Guys are being fined $40,000 and $50,000 for snap judgement hits in games, some of which are probably clean but just look vicious. If these guys are being fined half a game check for hits that look bad but don’t necessarily lead to injury, why would you assume they would want to do something that would definitely lead to injury for a $1,000 bounty?

The answer is obvious – all defensive teams talk about hurting other players enough to get them out of the game. None (most?) of them don’t want to permanently injure a player, but they do want to knock the shit out of them so they don’t want to come back in the game. A bounty system is not about the monetary reward but something to build camaraderie and keep a defense focused on what they already go out to do – trying to hit other grown men as hard as they can so they involuntarily lose muscle control and drop a football.

Yep. This guy needs an extra $1,000 to help motivate him to hurt someone.

Speaking of large fines for bang-bang plays (insert mom joke or joke into your mom), does anyone else think Payton’s punishment doesn’t really fit the crime? (Hands self participation certificate in “Internet’s Best Segue” Contest) Just to be clear, the Patriots and Bill Belichick knowingly did something against the rules of the game (taping another team’s practice AT THE SUPER BOWL) and clearly lied about it. Belichick was fined $500,000, the Patriots were fined $250,000, and the Patriots lost a first round pick. Belichick, nor any member of the Patriots, was suspended for a single game. Ray Lewis was found guilty of actually obstructing actual justice-type justice, you know, lying to the police, IN A MURDER CASE and he was fined $250,000 and not suspended for a single game. (FN 6) Ben Roethlisberger raped a woman and was suspended for six games, later reduced to four games.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I think obstructing justice in a murder case and rape merit more punishment than lying about some silly-ass bounty system. The punishment is entirely out of proportion with the substance of what actually happened. Guys threw in (relatively) small amounts of money to psych themselves up for games. The only thing Sean Payton did was supposedly cover up the existence of the bounty system without doing anything to implement or administer it. The truth is that Roger Goodell was all butt-hurt because he was lied to. This is not about what happened on the field, it was about Rogey-Wogey being sad that someone employed in a sport based on deception, violence and utmost trust in your teammates lied to cover up the misdeeds of his players. “’Clearly, we were lied to,’ Goodell said in an interview televised on the NFL Network. ‘I don’t think you can be too hard on people that put at risk our players’ health and safety.’”

What did you do during your four game suspension Ben?

I find that last quote very telling, because Goodell potentially has a good argument for handing out this type of penalty if his primary motivation is player safety (takes away participation certificate and hands self red ribbon in “Internet’s Best Segue” Contest). ”‘We are all accountable and responsible for player health and safety and the integrity of the game. We will not tolerate conduct or a culture that undermines those priorities,’ said Goodell, whose league faces more than 20 concussion-related lawsuits brought by hundreds of former players.”

Man, that last part is really important because if Goodell was insistent about requiring players to use double sided mouth guards and concussion resistant helmets in the last CBA. You can see why he would be. Even the simple step of requiring double sided mouth guards would greatly reduce the amount of concussions in NFL games and possibly save the lives of people like Dave Duerson. You can read all about it in the CBA or on the NFL Health and Safety website.

I’m sorry, what? You say you can’t see any such requirement in either document? You don’t say? I could swear that Mr. Highnmightypiousfuck who holds player safety so near and dear would have done something, anything, to reduce brain injuries to players he cares so much about. I know the NFL instituted some new concussion rules, but I would have thought that this sweet, kind man who values player safety above all other things would have required some changes to equipment to prevent brain damage. Especially when it would be so easy to institute.

Don't worry Dave. Roger Goodell really cares about player safety. I'm sure no one else will end up like you.

Ah, ok, I hear you now. That would require Goodell to nut up to the players face-to-face while simultaneously getting the owners in line. That requires actual conviction in the face of opposition and not just the ability to impose unilateral penalties against one team when no other team is going to fight you on it. Classy and ballsy.

Let’s be very clear about one thing – Roger Goodell’s actions show he doesn’t give a flying fuck about player safety. If he did, the league would mandate, immediately, that all teams will use double sided mouth guards and concussion resistant helmets. Instituting new guidelines to be enforced by team doctors (hired by men who will cut off body parts to win) for preventing the next concussion don’t really make the players any safer. They make you sleep better and they sound good when read by Bob Ley on “Outside the Lines.” Even worse, it is gutless to hide behind the guise of player safety in punishing one team when you don’t have the fortitude to actually do something about player safety.

I could probably pile on a few more reasons why I hate this ruling (FN 7), but that’s probably not necessary at this point. I agree that putting a bounty on a player is bad and should not be tolerated in the NFL. (FN 8) However, that doesn’t mean that the punishment for violating this rule is appropriate. The Saints players didn’t do anything extra to hurt people – there were probably trying to anyways. The certainly wouldn’t hurt someone for money, because the money they stood to gain paled in comparison the amount they surely stood to lose to the charity of the NFL’s choice. If guys were getting paid $100k to knock a guy out of a game I would have a different opinion, but that’s not what happened here. Even if the Saints players tried to injure other players for money, NFL players and coaches do a lot worse and they get punishments that are far less extreme. And last, but not least, trying to say that this ruling is all about the protection of player safety is not supported by the other actions the league takes. I think when you put all of this together and add to it that Sean Payton’s only crime was not telling the whole truth, then Roger Goodell is doing a giant disservices to the Saint, competitive balance in the NFL and the fans of the New Orleans Saints. In short, I totally super hate this and hope it changes. (FN 9)

Fuck this

FN 1 – Not a single person has asked me this.

FN 2 – Whatever you think of the rest of the rest of this article, we can all agree that the Saints were doing the world a favor putting a bounty out on Brett Favre, right? If the NFL wants to make a point, they should not leak information about the bounty being for Brett Favre’s head. If we passed the hat around America, we probably could have gotten the bounty for Favre up to about $7 million, even in this economy.

FN 3 – By the way, one of my reasons is not “everyone is doing it.” I don’t want to the trouble of looking up all of the examples and rumors about previous (and current) bounty systems in the NFL. Suffice it to say, I think bounty systems have been common in NFL history and any player who acts like the New Orleans bounty systems is surprising is being dishonest or naive.

FN 4 – It’s funny that thequote I could find about Reggie White wanting to intentionally injure players was in a book entitled, “In the Game: Gay Athletes and the Cult of Masculinity.” First, I have no idea why they passed up on the opportunity to call in “In the Gayme.” Second, the author may have had an axe to grind based on some of Reggie’s thoughts on homosexuality. A choice cut from this man of God: “Homosexuality is a decision, it’s not a race. People from all ethnic backgrounds live in this lifestyle. But people from all different ethnic backgrounds also are liars and cheaters and malicious and back-stabbing.” What a dick. I’m sure him and Favre got along well.

FN 5 – In fact, one fine news outlet even put together a brilliant argument as to why these new fines constituted a form of class warfare.

FN 6 – And he probably killed a guy.

FN 7 – In addition to the aforementioned “everyone is doing it” defense, a good argument can be made that if the league really cares about competitive balance (FN 7.1) then it shouldn’t take the extraordinary step of depriving a team of its coach for a full season.

FN 7.1 – (FN 7.2) I don’t have the time to get into it, but the Redskins and Cowboys salary cap decisions are caramel covered bullshit served in a fucktard pie. It’s tantamount to the admission of collusion and, as a NFL fan, you should be super pissed about this ruling because it has far-reaching implications about the game, the state of its labor peace, and the ability of the players who are literally putting their ability to walk on the line each week for your entertainment.

FN 7.2 – A footnote, within a footnote, within a footnote. This is just like “Inception.”

FN 8 – The bulk of this article was written before the revelation today that Gregg Williams, get this, encouraged his players to hurt guys on the other team. Good reporting. I think someone finally blew the lid off of this whole violence in the NFL bit. I did find it disturbing that Williams seemed to encourage blowing out another player’s ACL. I think that is over the line. But hitting them hard to see if they will pussy out because they previously had a concussion – that’s standard operating procedure in the NFL. I think the quote from the filmmaker who leaked the information is the most telling: “‘I was two feet behind the Saints’ bench,’ he [Pamphilon] said, ‘and it looked like they were trying to kill each other every play. But I’ve watched about 15 NFL games from the sidelines, and I didn’t see anything different in that game than I’ve seen in any other football game. To me, they’re all trying to separate guys from the ball and all trying to get big hits that land them on ‘SportsCenter’ – on every play’.”

FN 9 – Sorry, one last item I didn’t have time for in the article. The worst part about the suspension of Sean Payton is that it may force big, fat, slimy, FUPA wearing Tuna Parcells back on the sideline and into our collective conscience again. FUCK! Parcells is a bigger media whore tease who thinks he’s God’s gift than Brett Favre, and I wouldn’t mind Favre’s house being hit by drone fire. What a fucking nightmare.

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